How To Take a Healthy Timeout During Conflict with Marriage Counseling in Murrieta, Ca
Previously, I talked about helpful ways to share and receive information with our partners during conflict. You can read the first blog here and the second here.
As I mentioned in those previous blogs, conflict with our partners can be really hard because humans feel threatened when connection to others is being questioned or lost. And when we sense our connection decreasing or gone, we go into survival mode - where it can be really difficult to communicate well or remain kind to each other. So in this blog, I will be talking about what to do when you or your partner get dysregulated during conflict and your communication is no longer working.
Identifying Survival Mode with Marriage Counseling in Murrieta, CA
First, you need to be able to identify what survival mode might look like (note: this may look different for you and your partner). Below is a list of signs or symptoms one may have when dysregulated:
Physical symptoms: increased heart rate, sweaty palms, muscle tension, rapid breathing or hyperventilating
Racing thoughts, circular thinking, or unable to organize thoughts clearly
Heightened emotions that may present as irritable, excessive crying, etc.
Raising voices/yelling, name calling
Threatening to harm self/others or physical violence
Second, if you notice these signs in yourself or your partner it may be time to call a healthy timeout. Note: if the symptoms include violence, note, get to safety and/or call 911 or your local law enforcement in emergency situations for help.
You might be asking, what is a healthy time out? When I say timeout, I am not referring to a timeout where a kid has to sit in the corner as punishment for being naughty. I refer to a time out like the break sports teams will take during the game to reset or draw up a new play. To help us get out of survival mode when we are in conflict with our partners, we too sometimes just need a break from the conversation to reset and draw up a new game plan to talk about the topic differently. So, here are some tips for a healthy timeout:
Tip #1: Call for a time out: Couples Counseling in Temecula, CA
Let your partner know you need a break from the conversation, even by simply saying “Hey, time out - water break!”. Whether it is you getting dysregulated or your partner, it is necessary to table the conversation until both people are out of survival mode.
Tip #2: Use a time out to cool off AND create a new game plan - Marriage Therapy in Riverside, CA
In a time out, we first need to distract ourselves and bring down the intensity of our emotions. Note: I didn’t say get rid of our emotions - we just need to bring them down to a level where we can understand them and speak about them clearly. To distract yourself, consider healthy coping skills such as: getting fresh air, changing your scenery, going for a walk, taking deep breaths, listen to music, etc.
After we have had time to cool off, create a new game plan. To do so, ask yourself the following questions and this is what you can share with your partner when you’re ready.
What happened and how did that impact me?
What am I feeling or thinking from this experience?
What do I need to move through these thoughts/feelings?
Tip #3: Timeouts should not be used to sweep things under the rug or give your partner the silent treatment - Couples Therapy in California
A healthy timeout should be a MINIMUM of 20 minutes up to a MAXIMUM of 24 hours. This time frame is different for each person and does vary depending on a person’s ability to process stress hormones.
If you go longer than 24 hours, your partner will rightfully feel like this is a silent treatment or you avoiding difficult conversations.
Whoever calls for the timeout is the person responsible for re-initiating the conversation.
As I wrap up what to do when communication during conflict gets hard, I can’t help but think about how identifying when we/our partners are in survival mode or taking a healthy timeout might be one of those things we say is “easier said than done”. In my experience as a couples therapist, I help couples not only become aware of their or their partner’s distress, how to communicate their need for a healthy timeout, and practice moving through a timeout to get back into talking with each other in a more effective way.
If you are interested in learning how to navigate through your survival mode to access healthy communication with your partner, I invite you to schedule a free consultation today.
Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, and online couples counseling in California
At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.
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