Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences in a relationship — not only for the betrayed partner, but often for the one who strayed as well. Thoughts like “How could I do this?”, “I’m so stupid”, “I’m a horrible person” can loop over and over inside your mind. And along with the guilt, many people who have struggled with infidelity often report feeling a variety of painful emotions such as regret, remorse, embarrassment, disgust, and shame.

If you're someone grappling with these thoughts and feelings after being unfaithful, know this: you are not alone, and there is a way to work through this with help.

The work is not easy or pain-free, but there is a way for you to be able to move on from your past without it haunting you forever.

Here are a few tips that will get you started with the work that may be ahead:

Tip # 1: Understand the Difference Between Guilt and Shame

It’s crucial to separate guilt ("I did something bad") from shame ("I am bad").

Why is it important to know the difference?

Because feeling guilt when we have made a mistake is healthy, but feeling shame does not serve us. Let me explain…

We want to feel guilt after we hurt others because guilt helps us recognize our mistakes and moves us towards making change.

The pain we feel with guilt is a discomfort that helps us consider our decisions and how they can impact others, which is the first step to correcting behavior.

Shame, on the other hand, is an emotion that keeps us stuck in a cycle of self-hate and moves us towards isolation.

Shame makes us unable to see any of our positive qualities and tells us that all of who we are is bad.

And when we see ourselves as all bad or unworthy, we often step out of relationships to avoid creating more pain. This not only isolates us, which is not good for us as social creatures, but can actually hurt others because our shame keeps us from stepping back into relationships and provides healing for the hurt we caused.

Tip #2: Empathy & Empowerment

None of us is exempt from making mistakes; it is a natural part of being human and learning in life. And when we make what myself or others might deem a “big” mistake like an affair, judgment and shame can turn into self-loathing and, as I mentioned above, isolation.

Remember that shame and self-hatred only pull you out of healthy relationships (with yourself and others), which makes it difficult for your partner and for you to move through this.

So how do we keep your guilt from turning into the slippery slope of shame and isolation?

The answer: Empathy & Empowerment.

Empathy

Talk to yourself kindly, understanding that humans make mistakes.

This is not saying that what you did was okay or giving you an excuse for your hurtful behavior. Giving yourself empathy is a practice of self-compassion for your humanity and imperfections, not affirming the choice you made.

Here are a few examples of ways to express empathy to yourself:

When you have the thought “I am a horrible person”, you say back to yourself, “No, I am not a horrible person, I have made a decision that hurt someone, and that does not erase all of my good.”
Positive self-talk like “I am not my mistake. We all make mistakes, myself included. What’s important now is how I respond to my mistake”.

Empowerment

Since you cannot rewind time and undo the infidelity (and you cannot fast forward to the future), your only option is to work in the present.

When you have those moments of regret and think “I wish I had…”, bring yourself back to the now and ask yourself, “How can I lean into the person I wanted to be - right now?

This idea of empowerment is making choices in this moment that represent the person or partner you want to be.

What does empowerment look like? Many things, to name a few:
— Acknowledging your mistakes
— Offering an apology if possible
— Going to individual or couples therapy for help.
— Making a behavior change where you can be honest and faithful to your commitments

Empathy and empowerment together help move your shame back to appropriate levels of guilt, where you can begin to forgive yourself and become the person and partner you want to be.

Now, this work does not erase the past, and it does not guarantee that your partner will stay or forgive you in the end, but over time, it does allow you to come back to or start living into your values and move you towards a place of healing.

Tip #3: Explore the Unmet Needs or Wounds That Led You Here

That question you may be asking yourself, “How could I do this?”, is a good question and one to lean into.

Understanding the problem can help you find the solution and keep you from repeating your mistakes.

To help start exploring, what we do know about infidelity is that many affair partners end up in these situations because of unmet needs from unresolved emotional wounds. Here are some questions to ask yourself that will help guide your search:

What were my circumstances at the time of the affair (i.e., high stress, death/loss, new responsibilities, change in life circumstances, overworked/fatigue, intoxication, etc)
What desires or needs was I seeking from this relationship? (i.e., attention, praise, validation, affection, sexual intimacy, to feel alive, release, distraction, etc.)
What kept me from seeking those needs in a healthy way? (i.e., I don’t know healthy ways of getting those needs met, fear of vulnerability to share with others about my unmet needs, I aim to avoid conflict, etc.)
How long have those desires or needs gone unmet? (i.e, this relationship only, previous relationships, or back into childhood)
What are the wounds around these unmet needs? (i.e., I was made to feel unimportant, inadequate, ashamed, etc.)

Tip #4: Consider Going to Therapy: Marriage Counseling in Temecula and Riverside, California

As you could probably tell from the tips said above, this journey may feel “easier said than done”.

One reason this journey can be so tough to navigate is that we typically don’t have a good idea of what it looks like to move on from an affair.

The stories we hear about or the ones we see in the media include high conflict, chaos, ridicule, or shame. In addition, admitting to having an affair can lead to judgment from others or worse, some can even be disowned by their family and friends.

In individual therapy, a therapist can offer you a safe, non-judgmental space to help you learn how to navigate your way through this affair recovery.

And to be honest, learning how to recover from infidelity by reading a blog or a book may not be enough. Imagine trying to ride a bike after reading a book.

Intellectually understanding ways to ride a bike is very different from the physical and emotional learning of sitting on the seat of a bike, moving the pedals with the feet, and steering with your hands on the handlebars, all while maintaining balance as you ride over the bumps of the road.

Learning to manage the feelings of infidelity while trying to forgive and love yourself is quite a process and one that is difficult to do alone.

Schedule a Consultation

With the help of a therapist, you (and or your partner if you’re interested in crisis couples therapy) can have a place to learn from your mistakes, move through the difficult impact on thoughts or feelings from the affair, and move into a place of healing for a healthier future.

Jaquelynn ‘Jackie’ Flietstra, LMFT, is a dedicated Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, holding a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Hope International University. Inspired by her own transformative experience in therapy, Jackie embarked on her professional journey with a passion to help others heal and grow. With years of rigorous study, training, and hands-on experience, she specializes in couples therapy, guiding partners through the complexities of their relationships with empathy, humor, and insight. At IECC, Jackie finds renewed excitement in working exclusively with couples, helping them navigate challenges and rediscover connection and fulfillment.

How to Cope with Guilt and Shame After an Affair