It's October, spooky season, which means people are paying money to be scared: haunted houses, horror movies, a guy with a chainsaw in a corn maze. The scariest thing in your life might sitting on your couch, and you're arguing with them about the dishes.
Here's what we see in our office every week: the fight you're having is almost never the thing you're fighting about. It's about underlying fears. But fear in relationships doesn't show up as fear, it shows up as a complaint, a sigh, a pointed comment about whose turn it was to take out the trash. Underneath most couples' recurring conflicts, there's one of five fear-based questions that nobody is asking out loud. Read more articles on relationship skills.
1. Do you love me?
How it sounds: "Why are you spending so much time with your friends?" "We never do anything together."
What's underneath: I need to know I'm still wanted, and I'm not sure I am.
2. Will you leave me?
How it sounds: Clinginess, picking fights to test the waters, or going cold and distant before you can get left.
What's underneath: If I lose you, I don't know what happens to me, so I'm bracing for it or holding on to you tightly.
3. Do you care how you affect me?
How it sounds: "You always do this." "You don't even listen." "How could you say that?"
What's underneath: I'm hurting, and I need to know that you care.
4. Am I good enough?
How it sounds: Defensiveness. Criticism that really comes from feeling criticized. Hearing "can you load the dishwasher differently?" as "you're a failure."
What's underneath: I'm afraid you'll figure out I'm not enough, or that you already have.
5. Are you gonna cheat on me?
How it sounds: Checking the phone. Questions about who you were texting. Suspicion about the coworker with the nice laugh.
What's underneath: I don't feel safe, and I'm scanning for proof either way. (Sometimes this fear is rooted in something real that happened. Sometimes it's an old injury looking for a place to land. Either way, it deserves to be talked about directly.)
So why do we complain instead?
Because complaining feels safer than facing our fears. "You never help around the house" is a lot easier to say than "I'm scared you don't care how tired I am." The complaint gives your partner something to defend against. The fear gives them something to respond to.
And the complaint never gets resolved, because it was never the real problem. You can win the dishes argument and still go to bed feeling unloved.
Your October homework
Next time you're about to share a complaint (the dishes, the chores, the fact that you're not having sex as often as you'd like), pause and ask yourself: What am I actually afraid of right now? It's probably one of the five above.
Then try saying that instead. Something like:
"When we go a while without being close, I start to wonder if you still want me."
"When you brush off what I say, I feel like I don't matter to you."
It's uncomfortable, and it might feel more exposed than a complaint. That's the point. Fear loses a lot of its power once it's said out loud to the person it's about.
Happy Halloween. Go be brave.
Rebecca Williams, LMFT, is a committed licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Riverside, CA, with a Master’s degree from Loma Linda University. She helps individuals and couples heal emotional wounds, strengthen relationships, and build lasting, fulfilling connections.
Rebecca has advanced training in addiction treatment, family therapy with teens, and multiple evidence-based couples therapy approaches. She has also spoken on topics including faith transitions, the coming-out process, wellness, and leadership.
