The Art of Receiving: How Listening Strengthens Relationships with Marriage Counseling in Temecula, CA
In my last blog, I talked about the importance of communication in relationships, specifically on how to share information with our partners. (Read here) In this blog, we’re continuing the series on communication by focusing on the role of the receiver.
Before I get into my tips on how to receive well, I want to point out that our culture puts a large emphasis or responsibility on the person sharing information and the ways we need to perfect our message to others in order to be understood. Though I am not negating the importance of sharing well, I have found with my couples that we need to distribute the weight of responsibility equally and discuss the importance of receiving well too - after all, communication is a two way street!
For example, we can perfect our sharing and craft flawless conversation, but if we are talking to someone who is easily distracted, only focusing on one part of our message, getting defensive, dismissing our feelings, not accepting responsibility, or rushing to find a solution - we usually don't want to keep sharing with this person.
So here are a few tips for you when you are the receiver.
Tip #1: Take turns - Marriage Counseling in Temecula, CA
This might sound elementary but I can’t tell you how many times I see my couples insert their own concerns or complaints when their partner is trying to share. We need to take turns sharing so that each person can feel tended to or given the time to share their thoughts, feelings and needs. If this is done right and you make your partner feel like they have had the space to share, they are more likely to give you the space when it’s your turn.
Tip #2 Mirror back what you are hearing - Couples Therapy in Riverside, CA
I get that this might feel like I’m asking you to be a talking parrot and just repeat back what you hear, but we need to make sure that we are getting the correct message from our partner and demonstrate that we want to understand them. Mirroring helps detect the first error most couples have. For example: sometimes we filter what our partners say in a way they are not intending (this is what I call receiver error). Other times our partners say one thing as they are thinking or processing out loud but really mean something else (this is what I call sender error). No matter who makes the error, If you find one - ask the sender to try again.
Example mirroring statement: “What I hear you saying is ____, is that correct?”
Tip #3 Get curious - Couples Counseling in Murrieta, CA
It feels good when people want to get to know and understand us. When your partner is sharing something with you, it can be really helpful to get curious and ask them questions to expand more. You can do this with open ended questions (ones that will not yield “yes” or “no” answers).
Examples of curious questions:
“I’d like to know more about how you’re feeling, can you say more?”
“I can see that this really hurt your feelings and I’m curious, is this triggering another time that you’ve felt this way in the past?”
“I’m not sure what you mean when you say ___ but I want to. Can you try to tell me what you mean in another way?”
Tip #4 Validate & Offer Compassion - Marriage Therapy in California
We feel loved when our partners see and understand us. When others validate us and offer compassion, we get a sense that what we are thinking or feeling is normal and understandable. Note: validation and offering compassion does not mean we have to agree with our partners or even feel the same way they do. By validating our partners we are saying that their feelings make sense based off of their experience, history, personality, etc. This isn’t about being right or wrong.
Examples of Validation & Compassion:
“It makes sense that you would think/feel …because…”
“I can understand how you would think/feel … because when I went through a similar situation, I felt the same way”
“I’ve never been through an experience like that, but I imagine you would think/feel … because…”
As some people say “It takes two to tango” - and with communication it takes a sender and a receiver. If we are sharing poorly, we will make it hard for others to want to listen to us. On the other side of the coin, if we are listening poorly, we can make our partner feel ignored, unimportant, dismissed, or afraid to talk to us. As a specialized couples therapist in Temecula and Murrieta, California, I've dedicated my career to helping couples navigate the complexities of communication and strengthen their connection. Each day, I help couples just like you in overcoming communication barriers and fostering deeper connections.
If you're ready to transform your relationship and embark on a journey of improved communication, I invite you to schedule a free consultation today. Together, we can work towards building a stronger, more fulfilling partnership. Don't let communication challenges hold you back from the love and understanding you deserve. Take the first step towards positive change and schedule your consultation now. Let's start this journey together.
And join me next week to talk about how to take a time out when communication isn’t going well, because we don’t always get this right every time. This dance of communication can be really hard to learn but that’s why couples therapy can help!
Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, and online couples counseling in California
At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.
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