Key communication strategies for couples during stressful times with Couples Counseling in Temecula CA
When you’re already pushed to your limit—stressed, overwhelmed, busy, overworked—the smallest thing can lead to arguments with your partner. You end up snapping, bickering, hurting each other over something that seems so small when you’re not stressed. How did we get into a fight over a snickers bar or spoon or makeup wipes? But we did, because we were stressed and all our good coping skills went out the window.
First off, you’re so normal! We all have less patience and sometimes revert back to our worst habits when we’re stressed. And I want you to have some new skills so that you can communicate well when you are stressed, so that those times of stress can be things you laugh about later instead of new hurts that you’re going to be apologizing for for years. Maybe you’re considering couples counseling in Temecula because of something that happened during one of these times of extreme stress.
Why communication skills matter in times of stress
Key communication strategies for couples are going to be important to practice over the whole range of scenarios from low stress to high stress, however I do believe it becomes more crucial to cultivate habits in low stress times to increase confidence and competence in high stress times. We tend to rely on one, maybe two, tools that work across most situations and call it “good”, but that rarely gets the job done well when we need to come through in the clutch. It's important to set yourself up for success with your partner(s) by identifying when it's most impactful to be intentional about our use of effective communication strategies. When the stakes are high, so is the likelihood of dysregulation and arguments going south, so if we show out unprepared, we risk doing significant damage to each other in the process.
Best communication practices are most powerful when used proactively. Even the most effective communication strategies are diminished when using them reactively, or after we’ve already started elevating. If this happens a lot, it may be best to take a break or time out before starting again. There are lots of biological things going on in our bodies that make this a difficult time to do anything well, and a good rule of thumb is to wait 45 minutes for that biological process of fight/flight to wear off before beginning again. I would also suggest returning to this conversation before the end of the day though, or we may risk an anxious partner feeling abandoned or dismissed.
Being able to recognize potentially stressful times before they happen and opening up some dialogue with your partner that sounds like ‘hey, I see things getting tough and I want you to know I have the best of intentions and I’m going to assume you have the best intentions too, even if it doesn’t come across well”, or “I’m feeling really stressed out and short right now, it might help to just be ready for anything and do your best to not take things personally”. Setting this up beforehand helps our partners adjust their expectations and set intentions for giving some grace or helps them be more aware and attuned to us. They may be in their own world and fail to notice us in our struggle while they struggle too.
Do try to use a lot of “I” statements, own how difficult the stressful event is for you and only speak about your experience. Your perspective or reality will always be different from your partners and the more they know the better they can support you. Statements that track your emotional experience and a request for support in some way is like honey and will likely get more bees. Try “I’m feeling overwhelmed by _____ already and I might need you to just tell me you love me and everything will work out ok eventually”, or “i’m so angry/sad/scaredI have to go through this, and I’d like to request you just let me be angry/sad/scared so we don’t miscommunicate".
If you fail to plan, you essentially plan to fail, and even though it’ll be a great learning opportunity, you can save yourself a bunch of pain if you anguish by proactively learning more than the one, or two, tools we’ve been given and implementing accordingly. It is always a good idea to request outside help or support when you know a stressful life event is imminent. We’re here for that purpose and communication in relationships is our specialty. Some session of couples therapy in Temecula CA can help you learn and refine these skills so that you have them when you need them.
Summary of communication skills for stress with Couples Therapy in Temecula CA
be intentional about our use of effective communication strategies. Take the time to remember that you have skills to use.
take a break or time out.
wait 45 minutes for that biological process of fight/flight to wear off before beginning again.
recognize potentially stressful times before they happen.
use a lot of “I” statements, own how difficult the stressful event is for you and only speak about your experience.
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