Forgiving Your Partner After Infidelity and Building Back Trust with Couples Counseling in Riverside, CA
It is possible to recover from infidelity in your relationship, but each partner has work to do to help your relationship and find healing. After crisis stabilization and getting real with talk about the affair, the next phase of healing is forgiveness and trust building.
Phase 3, the forgiveness and trust-building period, is where the bulk of this work occurs.
To set the stage, Phase 3 begins once you’ve had time to ask all the questions, gather all the details you needed to know, share with your partner how this has affected you, and have seen your partner understand and validate how this has impacted you.
If you have been unable to get the answers you need or the responses from your partner that you were hoping to see (i.e. understanding, compassion, remorse, regret, etc.) I would highly recommend seeking couples counseling to help. We offer in-person couples therapy in Riverside, as well as online couples counseling to residents of California.
Trying to begin Phase 3 without completing Phase 2 will feel impossible. It can be hard to try to forgive your partner when you don’t know all the information that you need about the affair, or when you feel like your partner doesn't understand and/or show compassion to you for the hurt they’ve caused.
How Do I Start Forgiving in Couples Therapy for Cheating?
Assuming that you’re ready to move to the forgiveness stage, let’s talk about what it means and building back trust. Going back to this idea that both partners have to work in the recovery process, I’ll start with discussing what you, the betrayed partner, have to do.
In simple terms, your job in this phase is to begin the journey of forgiveness and allowing your partner to earn back your trust.
And yes - I said JOURNEY - forgiving someone and allowing your partner to earn back trust does not happen in a single moment or even overnight. The journey of forgiveness and building back trust for some people could take weeks, months, or even years.
Why is that?
First, it is helpful to know what forgiveness means. Forgiveness is:
Letting go of the anger, resentment, or hate that resulted from the wrong
Responding to the wrongdoer with compassion or moral love
With this definition in mind, the reason forgiveness does not happen in a single moment or overnight is because you will continue to struggle with feeling anger and/or resentment at times - so whenever those feelings do pop up, you will have to keep choosing forgiveness and let those feelings go.
As for trust, keep in mind that trust is something that is built over time.
Think about your first date: did you trust your partner fully and know then that you could count on them for anything? Most likely not, and the reason for this is that trust forms after time, proving consistent honesty, faithfulness, good character, etc.
How Do I Use Couples Therapy To Help?
If you need more help understanding what forgiveness is, how to let anger and/or resentment go, or how to let your partner earn back trust, let us know - we’d love to help!. We can teach you what forgiveness is versus what it is not and how to manage the difficult feelings this infidelity has caused.
As for your partner, the work they will need to do, simply put, is to build back trust with you. As I mentioned earlier, this is built over time, demonstrating consistent honesty, faithfulness, etc.
The other thing here is that you may need to let them know HOW they can build back that trust with you. Telling them “Just don't cheat!” may not be helpful - the reason for this is that your partner may have different definitions as to what they consider cheating or crossing their boundaries.
So be clear with your partner: what are some tangible actions or behaviors they can do in this season to earn back your trust? (i.e. send pictures of themselves in their current whereabouts in time apart, take a break from or delete social media apps, tell you if the affair partner tries to contact them, and how your partner responds).
This part can be really hard to navigate together, as you might experience an increase in that anger, and your partner may feel they are being punished or controlled. If you are open to getting help in couples therapy, we would love to help you and your partner talk about this sensitive and deeply important topic in a way where you can move forward in the forgiveness and building back trust journey.
Jaquelynn "Jackie" Flietstra AMFT has a masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Hope International University. Jackie has a passion for helping couples who are overwhelmed by their problems find hope again. She is experienced in Discernment Counseling to help couples decide whether to stay together or divorce and in helping couples cope with the difficulties of infertility. Before becoming a therapist, Jackie was a teacher. She is patient, creative, and loves her family. Jackie takes care of herself by being active and spending time with her family, friends, and dogs.
