What It's Like To Be The Spouse of Someone With an Addiction
If your partner has been struggling with substance abuse and you’ve been on this up and down confusing roller coaster of feelings, you are not alone.
It can be challenging at times to know your partner is a good person and at the same time see that they struggle with their substance abuse and act outside of who they really are.
Frequently, being the partner of someone with this issue places you in an awkward position. Maybe you tried to cover-up for them so they wouldn’t look “bad” in front of your family. Perhaps, you have even felt ashamed or embarrassed to tell anyone what you are going through. I hope the following can be helpful for you to consider as you’re on this journey.
Don’t hide.
I know this is a painful journey, but you don’t have to do this alone. You have the right to privacy and at the same time you have the right to seek help. If your partner is not ready for treatment or they have been in treatment, it’s okay for you to seek therapy or self help groups so you are heard too. You deserve to be listened to and understood.
You may not have the answers.
Dealing with substance abuse in your life may mean not knowing what to do all the time. You may have felt helpless at some point when you tried everything and your partner is still not sober.
It’s not your job to be the therapist, the parents, the lover, the happy person, or the person who seems to have it together all the time.
It’s okay to turn to professional help or a trusted person to emotionally lean on because this stuff is difficult. You don’t have to go it alone and you don’t have to have all the answers.
It’s okay to have good days.
Your partner’s substance abuse should not be prioritized over your own sanity and well-being. You are allowed to set time aside to work on yourself and engage in self-care. I want you to allow yourself a break, some time-off from this stuff to just be you. Sometimes when we are trying to juggle all these things and help our partner we end up losing ourselves without even knowing it.
It’s okay to still love them.
Your friends/family may have told you to “just leave.” I know it’s way harder than that. The connection you and your partner have developed over the years others may not understand. They might not see all the good that’s worth fighting for, but you see it. You get to make the choices for your life that are right for you even if other people don’t understand them.
You are allowed to love your partner and to want the best for them.
Boundaries.
A common difficulty partners face is learning to “detach with love.” Essentially, this means you are allowed to love your partner and at the same time love yourself harder. This would entail setting boundaries with your partner to preserve your well-being. You don’t have to love your partner at the expense of yourself. Boundaries help us and others know what we are willing to tolerate and what we are not. It may be hard to do this in the beginning. I would even say expect to have push-back. Overall, having boundaries is a healthy thing. If you’re having trouble knowing how to set boundaries or which ones to set, consulting with a therapist can be helpful.
Try out these tips and come back for part two and reach out to us if you know you need our help! Couples counseling can help you! We help couples every week deal with challenges just like this one. If you would like to work with one of our therapists, the first step is to schedule a free phone consultation. Click the button to schedule!
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