Strengthen Your Relationship After a Major Life Transition with Couples Therapy in Temecula CA

Are you and your partner going through a major life change and finding it difficult to communicate well? If so, know that you’re not alone! When we experience high levels of stress, we often have less energy, our overwhelm quickly turns into irritability, and we struggle to not only take care of ourselves but also our relationships. Our brains become high-jacked trying to adjust to so much change and as a by-product, we accidentally go into self preservation mode - which can really hurt our relationships.

So I want to give you and your partner some communication strategies to help the two of you navigate the change together, where you can have healthy communication that keeps you connected instead of drifting apart or hurting one another. I have openings to see you in couples therapy in Temecula CA and hope that these tips will give you a great start.

What are some key communication strategies for couples during stressful times? From couples therapy in Temecula CA

Strategy #1: Schedule Regular Check-Ins 

When we allow our check-ins to happen “organically” or when time allows for it, our checkins either don’t end up happening or they happen when our “gas tank” is empty (i.e. after a long exhausting day of work when we just want to relax, or when we finally got the kids to fall asleep and we want to go to bed). When these check-ins don’t happen, we become distant. And if we show up to our check-in’s feeling distant or on “empty”, we lose our ability to show up well in that conversation (i.e. we share insensitively, we can’t see our partner’s perspective, we come across as irritable or annoyed, etc). 

When you schedule regular check-ins with your partner, you have time to mentally and emotionally prepare for the conversation (which will help you show up well) and you show your partner that they remain important to you.

Note: you and your partner can work together to determine the frequency of these check-ins that works with your unique schedules. Most couples benefit from check-ins once/week for a minimum of 1-2 hours, but you can also determine if it would be better to do smaller and/or more frequent check ins (i.e. check in once/day for 10-15 minutes).   

Strategy #2: Show up to Check-Ins Prepared

Before your check-in with your partner, I recommend that you spend some time alone thinking about what you are thinking, feeling, and needing. In my experience working with couples, those that journal or write out their thoughts/feelings/needs ahead of time and bring it to their check-in  report feeling more organized and effective during the conversation. 

In addition, your partner is not a mind reader and if they do not know what you feel and/or what you need, they will not know how to support you during the check-in. For example, imagine you had a bad day at work and are feeling frustrated about what how your boss treated you. If you show up unprepared to your check in and just start complaining about your boss, you may find that your partner may give you their opinion about the situation or even try to offer solutions you should consider. You then may get frustrated and think “Why do they always try to fix the problem? Why can’t they just listen!?”.

My answer to those questions: they respond that way because they love you and are likely trying their best to support you, not knowing what you actually need. So save yourself the headache and process your feelings and needs before the check-in - where you could say “I want to tell you about this experience I had with my boss today and I just need you to listen as I vent” or “I want to share with you my frustration today and would love a hug when I am done sharing”. 

Strategy #3: Take Turns Sharing

In relationships, both partners need to be equally considered and given a chance to discuss their feelings and needs. Oftentimes our check-ins accidentally become one-sided, where the person with the “bigger” feelings or the one who feels most comfortable sharing consumes the check-in time, which then leaves the other person unattended to. These lop-sided check-ins, over time, can create a pattern where the person who is not sharing can be made to feel that their feelings/needs aren’t important or are not considered - which can easily turn into feeling neglected or resentful. 

To make sure your check-ins are including both people, consider splitting your check in time where each person equal time to share. For example: a 1-hr check in could be 20 minutes of my partner sharing, 20 minutes of me sharing, and 20 minutes of us working together to make a plan to address needs for this upcoming week. 

Strategy #4: Ask Clarification before you respond

As I mentioned above, you are not a mind reader. You will not always know how to show up and support your partner. And if you don’t ask for clarification, you’ll end up going on a guessing game to figure it out - where sometimes you get it right but most times maybe guess incorrectly, upsetting your partner more or exhausting yourself trying to figure it out. So to save yourself some time and energy, ask clarifying questions. 

To get clarification on your partner’s feelings, the classic therapy question “How does that make you feel?” really can go a long way - but if that feels too cheesy, you can ask questions like: “What was that like for you when that happened?” or “Does this experience remind you of another time you felt this way?” 

To get clarification on your partner’s needs, one of my favorite questions to ask is: “Would you like comfort and/or a solution?”. Comfort could mean giving a listening ear as they vent, sitting together in silence, offering validation/compassion, giving physical affection, providing verbal reassurance. Offering a solution could mean brainstorming ideas together to fix the problem.

Let Couples Therapy in Temecula CA help you and your partner support each other

If after reading this blog you think “wow, this sounds like a lot of work”, you’re not wrong. Relationships take work, especially during a major life change. It is actually really normal to need more support than normal when big changes are happening. If you and/or your partner want more support to help you navigate stress together, we’d love to help! Reach out if you’d like to connect - we offer free 15 minute consultations if you’d like to know more!

Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, online couples counseling in California, and couples retreats in California

At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. For a deeper experience focused on rejuvenation and reconnection, consider booking one of our couples retreats in California. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.

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