Murrieta Couples Therapist’s Best practices for building a co-parenting partnership based on mutual respect and support

What is co-parenting?

Really anytime two or more adults are working together to help raise kids, they are co-parenting. But, in this context, we’re talking about the relationship between parents when they are no longer a romantic couple. Co-parenting is when you are raising your kids together with your ex.

Why is co-parenting so hard?

Let’s be real: parenting is hard! Getting along with an ex is hard. (If you got along great, they probably wouldn’t be your ex.) And co-parenting is triple hard because you’re doing two hard things stacked on top of each other in an area that’s the nearest and dearest to your heart: your children!

Can Couples Therapy in Murrieta CA help with co-parenting?

Absolutely! We know how to deal with difficult relationship dynamics. And we know how to teach people to have strong communication skills. We are uniquely trained to help out not just the individual, but the whole family unit. We know you don’t want the leftover anger or pain or dysfunction from your relationship with your ex to spill over onto your kids. We know you’d do anything for them. (Maybe your parents divorced and you’re committed to doing it differently with your kids.) And that’s why we’re here to help you! I’m one of the couples therapists at Inland Empire Couples Counseling—I do couples counseling online in California and couples therapy in Murrieta CA—and I’m sharing with you my best practices for building a co-parenting partnership based on mutual respect and support.

Best Practices for Co-Parenting based on mutual respect and support

Folks considering or working through defining what co-parenting relationships are going to look like for them are usually also dealing with MANY big emotions that impact their decision making and behaviors. Co-parenting itself can even feel like a dirty, taboo thing, reminding us of the loss, grief and anger that we’re stuck dealing with as the result of a separation or divorce. I personally love working with this client group, mostly because of their dedication to themselves and their children, they tend to be the kind of people that are highly engaged and have positive outcomes from their treatment experience with us. 

I would start a blog on best practices in an obvious place like, “emotional awareness” and “behavioral control”, which are helpful subjects, but this does not really describe how you maintain mutual respect and support for yourselves, kids and each other. Where I'd focus, first and foremost, is on the wellbeing of the kids.

• Do the kids have a “need to know” the dirt about the other parent?

• Is it potentially something that can damage a relationship between you and your co-parent or between your kids and their other parent?

• Is it hearsay or an opinion about a spouse?

• Ask yourself first, “if I was my kid(s) how would the thing I’m about to do impact me?”

• One more step would be to consult someone in an unbiased position, like a therapist…wink, to get a handle on some potential blindspots, limit accidental damage and increase likelihood of support and love for you kids. 

But, Mike? What if they ask me a really hard question? Don’t I owe them the truth, you ask?

Great question, It comes up a lot. Parents are conflicted about this all the time, and yes, you totally want to be truthful, but you may need to answer the question with something that redirects them to what they DO need to know, like statements about how much they are loved, their parents are still their parents, and that their question is valid, but reinforcing their safety and secure position as the KIDS, not more adults that need to make decisions. 

These are ways to both support your kids, and your co-parents in a way that maintains mutual respect by refraining from throwing the co-parent under the bus in any way. The goal is to maintain your integrity as parents, safe authority figures that provide boundaries and predictability to the kids' lives.

Degrading your co-parent is also a choice to potentially fracture your kids sense of safety and security with that other adult, which tends to lead to conflict and more pressure and responsibility for YOU to provide what two co-parents would have been able to share. Long term co-parenting success will require short term abilities to maintain the integrity of that parental support structure for the benefit of all involved. 

Remember, just because you are divorced/separated, that ex-spouse is still on the same team when it comes to your kids' well-being. So do yourselves and your kids a solid, and treat the co-parent with respect, yes, even if they don’t treat you this way, and you will be doing the best you can for support and mutual respect.

If you are in the process of developing a co-parent system or potentially facing a divorce/separation event, the last best practice I’ll mention is, doing it alone is not advised. Success with a couples therapist often looks like a safe, amicable exit from a relationship. Don’t sleep on us when it comes to your family making it through something like this in good shape.   

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