How to Offer Support Through a Crisis of Faith? Turn Up the Volume on Love
The experience of an individual going through a crisis of faith can send ripples through the family and friend groups connected to that person. It’s a personal experience that affects others who are close to them. If someone you care about is experiencing a crisis of faith, there are ways you can help.
It’s Common to Experience a Crisis of Faith: You and Your Loved One are Not Alone
People might be shocked to hear someone lost their faith or is choosing to step away from their faith tradition. The person may make an open declaration and want to explain their story, or they may quietly step back and leave others guessing.
It’s not uncommon for people to experience some discomfort or awkwardness around their friends and family after such an event. We may not know what to say to them or how to act.
Do we just pretend that nothing happened? Do we talk about what’s going on? Should we ask questions or is it better not to pry? Maybe we want them to change back or to change with us. Perhaps we don’t understand why they are distant.
Maybe we wish we could make them see things the way we do, or maybe we just wish we understood what was going on.
Whether you are the person who has gone through the faith crisis, a partner who has newly found themselves in an interfaith marriage, or someone in that circle of family and friends, I hope to provide some understanding and suggestions for how to offer support to the ones you love.
Did You Choose It or Did It Happen to You?
Most people who go through this intense crisis of faith feel like it is something that happened to them and not something they went looking for. They describe the experience using phrases like “the bottom dropped out” or “the rug was pulled out from under me” or “my hopes and dreams came crumbling down around me.”
This is sometimes hard for others to understand.
How the faith crisis happens is a topic for another post (or maybe even a whole book!), but for now, know this is not something your loved one chose; it is a difficult thing that happened to them. Even if you don’t believe it, that’s how your friend/family member sees it. And that’s what matters.
It’s common for a person to become overwhelmed and only see his/her own perspective when going through a big life change, like a faith crisis. If this has been you, it’s okay. Take the time now to take a step back and think about your family and friends.
Your faith crisis is also something that happened to them. None of them chose this either. Now your people are wrestling with the question of how to be a spouse/parent/sibling/friend/child of someone who left the faith.
Be patient with each other, and leave room for open, non-judgmental conversation. This is a challenging transition for everyone.
Common Fears When Experiencing a Crisis of Faith
Why People Pull Away During a Crisis of Faith: Fear of Rejection
The person who left the faith may worry that you will reject them. They may fear that they will be shunned, left out of important events and conversations, or no longer considered part of the family. Sometimes acting defensive or distant is easier than facing rejection, so they might pull away.
At the same time, family and friends are often afraid of the same thing: that they'll be rejected the way the person rejected their shared religion. They may worry they won't be included anymore, or that the person won't want to come around. That fear can make them act distant or defensive too.
Guilt and Hurt Feelings: Fear of Criticism
The person who left may worry that they will be criticized. Having been in the faith previously, they may know what people say and think about people who leave: they are deceived, unclean, unworthy, apostates, weak.
Likely, they thought these things about others in the past and are ashamed to now be one of them. They may become distant or seem angry or defensive because they are waiting for and dreading your criticism.
Your family and friends may also be afraid of criticism. They may be expecting that you will attack them and their faith. They may be steeling themselves for when you point out the flaws in their logic, ridicule their most sacred beliefs and practices, or call them brainwashed, sheep, stupid, or weak.
As a result, they may pull back, avoid you, or be quick to attack or defend because they are afraid you will criticize them.
Supporting Someone You Love Through a Crisis of Faith: Turn Up the Volume on Love
The antidote to both fears is the same: make your love and acceptance loud and explicit. Don't assume it goes without saying. Just say it.
If you're supporting a loved one through their faith crisis, try something like: "I don't understand exactly what you're going through, but I can see it's hard. I love you. I'm here. How can I help?"
If you're the one who's experienced the faith crisis and you're watching family or friends struggle with the news, try: "I know this is hard for you. It's hard for me too. It's okay if it takes time to process. I still love you. How can I help?"
When you notice someone pulling away, on either side, that's the moment to say the things you assume go without saying: that you still want them in your life, that you love them, that there's still a place for them. It feels almost too simple, but naming it out loud does more to protect the relationship through a hard season than almost anything else.
Say the Things That Go Without Saying
When you notice your family or friends becoming distant or pulling away, turn up the volume on love and acceptance. Reassure them that you still want them in your life, that you love them and value your relationship. If you think it goes without saying that you love them, are never going to stop loving them, and will always have a place for them in your life, say so!
This will go a long way toward maintaining and even strengthening your relationship through such a difficult time.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to feel distant from family after a crisis of faith?
Yes, feeling some distance from family and loved ones after a crisis of faith is normal, and this is true for both sides. This is almost always driven by a fear of rejection and criticism rather than a lack of love. Naming those fears out loud and reaffirming the connection of the relationship helps to close this gap.
How long does a crisis of faith typically last?
There’s no fixed timeline, and it’s important not to create a timeline in your head. This puts unrealistic expectations into play, which is more harmful than it is helpful. For some, there’s some resolution within a few months. Others may experience an extended crisis period as they rework their beliefs, identity, and relationships. Patience and understanding matter much more than the speed of the process.
Can a marriage survive a crisis of faith?
Yes, absolutely, a marriage can survive a crisis of faith. Both partners need to commit to communication and consider counseling to help navigate the changes and build a stronger foundation while heading in this new direction. Interfaith couples’ counseling can offer a safe space for both sides to share their experiences and perspectives.
Ready to Talk It Through? Interfaith Couples Counseling in Riverside, California
Not sure how to start that conversation? Share this post as a way to get the ball rolling.
If you'd like help in preserving and improving your relationships, I'd love to work with you. If you or a loved one are navigating a crisis of faith, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Inland Empire Couples Counseling offers therapy for individuals, couples, and families working through religious transitions and interfaith relationships. Visit our office in Riverside, CA, or reach out to us for online couples therapy today.
The idea to “turn up the volume on love” was borrowed from Peter Danzig, LCSW, Mormon Mental Health Association Conference, July 2015
Author Bio
Rebecca Williams, LMFT, is a committed licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Riverside, CA, with a Master’s degree from Loma Linda University. She helps individuals and couples heal emotional wounds, strengthen relationships, and build lasting, fulfilling connections.
Rebecca has advanced training in addiction treatment, family therapy with teens, and multiple evidence-based couples therapy approaches. She has also spoken on topics including faith transitions, the coming-out process, wellness, and leadership.
She partners with clients as a compassionate guide, helping them navigate challenges, repair relationships, and reach their personal and relational goals.
