I’m writing this post because it’s a commonly searched question. I suspect it may be coming from a place of desperation or confusion. Why should we try this? Will it even help us? We’re going to invest our time and money, will it be worth it?Thinking about the couples I’ve worked with over the years, I came up with a quick list of reasons to answer that question: Why try marriage counseling?

In this post I’m going to ask you to question some of your assumptions about men and women. I’ll confess that my ears perk up and I become skeptical whenever I hear someone tell me something like “you know how women are” or “he’s just a typical man.” These often set up unfair double standards and impossible double binds. I'll share a few reasons I think these types of statements are problematic.

People love knowing they are appreciated. Some people may not like hearing the actual words too much, and if your spouse is one of these people, you probably know it already. The point I’m making here is not so much about saying the words as it is about communicating the feeling. Anytime I suggest you say something feel free to substitute in your mind a way you know your spouse likes to receive love and appreciation.

I’ve got some news for you: Not all problems in your marriage can be solved. Some just don’t have solutions. These may come from differences in personality traits, religion, political opinions, cleanliness preferences, and the like. No matter how much you talk about these things or fight about which way is right, neither of you is likely to change or to change your partner.

I’ve got some news for you: Not all problems in your marriage can be solved. Some can be worked through using compromise, and some just don’t have solutions. These may come from differences in personality traits, religion, political opinions, cleanliness preferences, and the like. No matter how much you talk about these things or fight about which way is right, neither of you is likely to change or to change your partner.

In the exciting, falling in love stage of our relationships, what we want to change in our partners is often furthest from our minds. We’ve got stars in our eyes, we’re wearing rose colored glasses, we’re in the honeymoon stage—pick whichever metaphor works for you. It’s wonderful and fun; I don’t mean to dismiss that. However, the reality of being two complex, dynamic individuals in an intimate relationship with each other over an extended period of time brings conflict. It just does. These conflicts might be personality differences, cultural differences, differences of opinion, habit, or tradition. In very simple terms, you might make a request for change, something along the lines of “this thing isn’t working for me, can we talk about changing it?” This post is about how you bring up complaints in your relationship. Spoiler alert! Less is more.

Conflict happens. It just does. You and your spouse are not always going to see a situation the same way, you may have different opinions, preferences, and values. And so, you will disagree. It is not realistic to expect that you will never experience conflict or disagreement. Today, I’m talking about repair attempts, a secret weapon to preserve your relationship during conflict.

You have conflict with your spouse. Okay, that happens. I'm here to help you know how to you bring up marriage problems in a way that gets you listened to and not dismissed. You may have very good points or legitimate concerns but the way you talk about them with your partner sets you up to not be heard or to be easily dismissed.

Problems have been building in your marriage for a while. You try talking about it and end up fighting. You try again and end up fighting. Maybe you try to change and you try to ask for change, and you’re both still fighting and miserable. So, you gather up your courage and decide to try marriage counseling. You might hope that if you can just get in there for one session the therapist is going to convince your spouse that you have been right all along and amazing changes happen overnight. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but that’s not how these things work. You need a relationship checkup.