Communication skills are one of the top reasons people seek us out for couples therapy in Riverside CA or online in California. It’s healthy and important to be able to talk about areas of disagreement or other problems in your relationship. We can’t know that something is a problem or be able to fix it if we can’t talk about it or can’t talk about it without fighting.
Deciding to speak to a partner about an issue you have with them or the relationship, can be daunting. Maybe you have history of your partner becoming defensive by telling you how you’re wrong and you leave the conversation feeling worse and discouraged. You likely feel confused and discouraged afterwards. This post isn’t going to solve all those issues, but I can give you some tips to more confidently talk to your partner about an issue or problem in your relationship.
Using this tips is not a guarantee that your partner will respond well. But taking these steps increases the chances that you’ll have a productive conversation instead of an argument. And your relationship is worth taking a few extra minutes to prepare well.
*Please note these suggestions are not intended for the following topics: domestic violence, sexual coercion within the relationship, or anything that may put your life in danger.
Steps for talking to your partner about a problem
1 Check in with yourself.
You can do this by journaling or simply reflecting internally.
Ask yourself some questions:
What actually happened?
How am I feeling about it?
What story am I telling myself about what happened/what was said? What’s the meaning I’m attaching to what happened?
Is this situation reminding me from anything in the past? (In this relationship or from others)
Once you identify your feelings and what story you are telling yourself - filter it through the lens of your triggers and the history of your experience with your partner when you have expressed feelings in the past. Triggers can come from any point in your life - maybe you got shut down by a caregiver and struggle to feel heard so you’ve gotten in the habit of silencing yourself. Maybe your partner hasn’t reacted kindly when you’ve brought them a concern. Whatever the reason, knowing what you feel and why can help you determine what is yours to self-soothe and what your partner needs to do differently. It’s not fair to expect our partners make up for other people’s mistakes.
2 Self-soothe.
Once you have identified the feelings that have come up, take a moment to attend to your own feelings. You can soothe or take the edge off the intensity of the emotion in a variety of ways:
Notice what you are feeling (emotion and body sensations) and name them. Just putting it into words helps.
Do a guided meditation or guided breathing. This is especially helpful if you need to calm down your anxiety or are having some physiological reactions in your body.
Normalize those feelings by reminding yourself those feelings make sense given your past experiences with loved ones or your partner.
Go for a walk or move your body in some way.
Get out in nature.
Listen to calming music.
Remind yourself your voice deserves to be heard and listened to. Normalizing and accepting your feelings can help you to start the conversation with your partner because you’ll feel grounded and confident.
3 Identify your intention
Decide what your intention or purpose is of having the conversation - is it to be heard and understood? Would you like an apology? A behavior change? Are you looking to understand something?
Any of these are valid reasons for bringing up a problem. It is helpful to know in advance why you’re bringing this up. Then you can decide what to say and not say that will get you what you’re looking for. You can also be clear with your partner about why you’re bringing this up. If you want an apology, say so. If you’re just looking to be understood, say that. It’s easier for our partners to give us what we want when we are clear with ourselves and with them about what that is. Being clear about your intention will also help you know when to end a conversation. Problem conversations don’t have to go on forever. When you got your need met, you can say thank you and move on to something else.
4 Be thoughtful about how you address the problem
Remember, you’re addressing the problem, not the character of your partner. Try to say something like “the dirty laundry piling up is really stressing me out” [about the problem: laundry] instead of “you’re so lazy. Why can’t you get the laundry done?” [about the person and their flaws].
Acknowledge what they’ve gotten right in the past, especially if it’s related to the complaint you have. Positive feedback is needed in a relationship as much as negative feedback about your partner’s behavior.
Ask for your partner's consent to have the conversation, “I need to talk with you about something important to me, is now a good time?” If they respond, “no” you can ask them to give you a time within the next 24 hours as to when they can.
Once you have your partner’s consent to proceed, ask, “Will you please listen to what I say before responding?” or, “I need you to listen to my feelings, even if you don’t agree with my point of view, I need to know you care about the feelings that came up for me as a result.” This is sharing your intention from step 3.
Avoid placing negative intention on your partner’s words or behavior, “I know your intention wasn’t to hurt me (make me feel etc…) I have a sensitivity to this and I need to share it with you.”
Conclusion
One last tip, when you aren’t in the middle of an argument - when you are both in your baseline or calm moods - you can ask your partner to share what they need from you when you bring them a complaint/concern and you can share what you need, this way you’ve made a plan together and know how you want to handle delicate situations in the future. For more blogs on communication skills, read: Communicating Wants and Needs: Communication Skills for Relationships
Alexis Johnson, LMFT, is a dedicated and creative couples and family therapist in Riverside, CA, who helps partners and families heal old hurts, strengthen connections, and navigate the complex dynamics that shape their relationships. With experience working with individuals, teens, families, and couples, she meets clients exactly where they are and empowers them to create meaningful, lasting change.
Alexis earned her Master’s in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis in Marriage and Family Therapy from Azusa Pacific University and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California.
