Active Listening with Couples Counselors in Riverside, CA.
The Imago Dialogue: A Simple Skill to Help Your Partner Feel Truly Heard.
If you've ever had your partner tell you, "You just don't get it," even when you feel like you understood exactly what they said, you're not alone. Feeling understood and being technically listened to are two very different experiences — and the gap between them is where a lot of relationship conflict lives.
At Inland Empire Couples Counseling in Riverside, CA, we teach couples a communication tool called the Imago Dialogue to close that gap. It's a structured way of listening and reflecting that helps your partner feel genuinely heard, not just heard in passing. Below, we walk through how it works using a real demonstration between our therapists, Alexis Johnson and Rebecca Williams. For more communication tips, read our blog on using I statements.
What Is the Imago Dialogue?
The Imago Dialogue is a three-part listening exercise built around one core idea: before you can solve a problem together, both people need to feel deeply understood. It assigns two roles:
The Sender — the person sharing what's bothering them
The Receiver — the person listening and reflecting back what they heard
The Receiver's job isn't to defend, explain, or jump straight into problem-solving. Their only job is to make sure they've truly understood the Sender — and to prove it by repeating it back.
Starting the Conversation
The dialogue begins with a simple, respectful check-in. Instead of launching into a complaint, the Sender asks for a moment of the Receiver's attention:
"There's something that's been bothering me — do you have time to talk about it?"
This small step matters. It signals that a real conversation is coming and gives the Receiver the chance to show up ready to listen, rather than getting blindsided.
Step One: Reflect What You Heard
In the demonstration, Rebecca (the Sender) shares that on her birthday, Alexis gave her a gift — but also complained about how stressful it was to pick it out. Rebecca explains that the complaint took away the good feeling of receiving the gift in the first place.
Instead of responding right away with her own perspective, Alexis (the Receiver) reflects back what she heard:
"So you have this understanding that I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, but when I made a big deal about how stressful it was to get the gift, that brought up bad feelings for you. Do I have that right?"
Then she asks a key question: "Is there more you want to share about that?"
This question matters because it invites the Sender to keep going instead of assuming the first answer was the whole picture. In the demonstration, this is exactly what happens — Rebecca adds that the comments make her feel like a burden, and that it strips away the joy of receiving a gift at all.
Alexis reflects that back too, checking again for accuracy, and refining her understanding each time Rebecca clarifies. This back-and-forth continues — reflect, ask if there's more, refine — until Rebecca feels like the full picture has actually landed.
Step Two: Reflect the Feelings
Once the facts of the situation are understood, the Receiver moves to naming the emotions underneath them. Alexis reflects:
"It makes sense that you'd feel that way — I know I don't like feeling like an obligation to people I love, and I can understand why you'd feel unloved and like a burden."
She also asks if there are any feelings she missed. This question surfaces something Rebecca hadn't fully named yet: anger. Rebecca realizes, mid-conversation, that part of what she's feeling is that it's unfair to be put in a position where she has to manage her partner's stress about giving her a gift.
This is one of the most valuable parts of the exercise. When people feel deeply listened to, they often uncover feelings they didn't know they had. Rebecca hadn't planned to mention anger — it surfaced because Alexis kept asking, "Is there anything else?"
Step Three: Validate
The final piece is validation — not agreement, and not taking blame, but acknowledging that the Sender's feelings make sense given what happened. Alexis doesn't say "I'm sorry I did that" or get defensive. She simply confirms that she understands why Rebecca feels the way she does, and checks one more time that she's captured it accurately.
By the end of the exchange, Rebecca clarifies her real ask: she doesn't want Alexis to stop giving gifts, and she doesn't expect her to never feel stressed. She just wants Alexis to leave the stress out of the conversation about the gift itself, so the moment can be about love instead of obligation.
Why This Works
A few things make this exercise effective, and worth practicing even if it feels a little formal or awkward at first:
It separates understanding from problem-solving. Most couples jump straight to fixing the issue before either person feels heard. That's often where breakdowns happen — because "fixing" something the other person doesn't feel understood about rarely lands well.
It takes the pressure off the Receiver to fix or defend. Alexis's job in this exercise was never to justify her behavior or apologize on the spot. It was simply to understand and reflect. That distinction alone can lower defensiveness significantly.
Asking "is there more?" creates space for deeper honesty. Rebecca's realization about feeling angry only came up because Alexis kept the door open instead of assuming the first answer was complete.
It doesn't require perfection. Even in a smooth, low-stakes demonstration, there were moments where Rebecca said, "That's not quite it," and Alexis adjusted. In a real relationship, this back-and-forth might take longer, especially if the Receiver is working through their own defensiveness. That's normal — the goal is progress toward understanding, not a perfect first pass.
Understanding Comes First, Solutions Come Second
It's worth noting that being deeply understood doesn't mean the conversation is over. Once a Sender feels heard, there's often room for the Receiver to share their own perspective, too. In this example, Alexis might later share that she sometimes finds Rebecca hard to please when gift-giving, which is part of why she feels stressed. That's a legitimate part of the larger conversation — but it comes after the listening step, not instead of it.
On more complicated issues, couples may need to go back and forth several times — each person taking a turn as Sender and Receiver — before both people feel fully understood. Only then does it make sense to move into solving the problem together.
Try It in Your Relationship
The Imago Dialogue is simple in structure but can be genuinely challenging in practice, especially when the topic is a real, sensitive issue rather than a demonstration. If you try it at home and find it isn't quite working, that's a common experience — and it's exactly the kind of skill that becomes easier with guidance.
Author Bio:
Alexis Johnson, LMFT, is a dedicated and creative couples and family therapist in Riverside, CA, who helps partners and families heal old hurts, strengthen connections, and navigate the complex dynamics that shape their relationships. With experience working with individuals, teens, families, and couples, she meets clients exactly where they are and empowers them to create meaningful, lasting change.
Alexis earned her Master’s in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis in Marriage and Family Therapy from Azusa Pacific University and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California.
Outside the therapy room, she enjoys slow mornings, good books, time with friends, and the same personal growth practices she encourages in her clients—because she believes deeply in practicing what she teaches.
Rebecca Williams, LMFT, is a committed licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Riverside, CA, with a Master’s degree from Loma Linda University. She helps individuals and couples heal emotional wounds, strengthen relationships, and build lasting, fulfilling connections.
Rebecca has advanced training in addiction treatment, family therapy with teens, and multiple evidence-based couples therapy approaches. She has also spoken on topics including faith transitions, the coming-out process, wellness, and leadership. Committed to lifelong learning, she continually expands her expertise to provide the highest quality care for her clients.
Drawing from both her professional experience and her love of hiking and backpacking, Rebecca understands that meaningful change requires courage, persistence, and support. She partners with clients as a compassionate guide, helping them navigate challenges, repair relationships, and reach their personal and relational goals.
