Lessons learned after 10 years as a couples counselor in Riverside CA
I first started my couples therapy work 16 years ago as a student at Loma Linda University. After graduation I built on those skills as I worked doing family therapy with troubled teens and their parents. I knew I had a unique skill to be able to help people connect relationally and wanted to work specifically with mixed faith couples, so I opened a private practice specializing as a couples counselor in Riverside just over 10 years ago. I have seen a lot of couples and learned a lot about relationships since then. And in this post I’m going to share with you some of what I’ve learned. If you’d like to learn more about how couples therapy can help you, you can read Why Try Marriage Counseling.
You cannot change your partner
You might want your partner to change in certain ways, but you can’t make them do it. You just can’t. If you’re wise about it, you probably understand that there are some things about your partner that will never change and you accept that. If you’re outdoorsy and your partner isn’t, you’re probably never going to convince them to love outdoor adventures as much as you do. They might come on a hike or camping trip when you plan it because they love you and know this matters to you. But they will likely never plan the trip or do outdoor activities without you. If you can see their willingness to share in your activity as a sign of their love for you, you will be much better off than if you are constantly criticizing your partner for not planning the camping trip or not being as excited about it as you are.
You can’t change who your partner is--you can’t change their personality or preferences--and you CAN ask for changes in behavior, especially behaviors that negatively affect you. To continue with our example of time in the outdoors, you CAN ask your partner to support you in doing what you love by:
watching the kids while you go on a hike,
Allocating money in your shared budget for outdoor gear or activities, or
Not complaining when you do outdoor activities together.
And to make it easier for your partner to make these changes for you, you will also watch the kids while they do an activity they love, allocate money for their activities, not complain when you do their fun things, and not ask them to do things too far outside of their comfort zone. Asking your partner not to complain while you take a short walk around a lake is different from expecting them to go on a multi-day backcountry hiking trip they will hate.
You can’t change who your partner is, but you can ask for behavior change and support. In healthy relationships, this exchange of support is mutual and freely given.
It’s human nature to want someone else to change to fix your relationship problems
I think that we have a problem in our relationship. And that problem is you. If you would only…[stop doing that one thing, start doing something else, be more like me] everything would be fine.
This thinking is at the core of many people’s complaints about their relationships. And often partners are exasperated, thinking the complainer can’t see their contributions to the relationship problems, that it’s all one person’s fault. And you know what? They’re both right!
Human brains optimize for efficiency and preservation of resources. It will always be easiest (and maybe even preferable) to get the other person in the relationship to change their behavior before we look at changing our own. Why would I put the hard work into change when I could ask you to change? I am no longer surprised, critical, or judgemental when couples come in with this dynamic. Purely from the standpoint of preservation of resources, a person is very smart if they can get their partner to do all the work of relationship change and maintenance.
This rarely works long-term and doesn’t create the kind of satisfying love many people are looking for. The happiest, healthiest relationships are ones that are mutual, where both partners benefit from being in the relationship and both work to maintain it. So while I am no longer surprised by this dynamic, I do work to help people change it. In a healthy relationship, if my partner brings something to my attention they would like me to change, I will honestly consider it. If I can make a change to make my partner happy, I will do it. Because I love them. Because I care about us both being happy. If the requested change isn’t something I can or am willing to do, I will not make false promises. I will say no and we will work together to find another solution. And when something in the relationship isn’t working for me, I will ask for change from my partner, and I will be willing to make changes to get my own needs met if I’m the one standing in my way.
Repair matters more than being perfect or conflict free
Misunderstandings, hurt feelings, disappointments, and other reasons for disconnection happen in every relationship. Sometimes these are small and sometimes they carry significant weight. The healthiest, happiest, most trusting and committed relationships are actually not ones with near-perfect partners who are completely conflict free. The happiest relationships are ones in which people know how to repair hurts and disconnections.
Repair is more than a forced or resentful apology. It’s deeply understanding the hurt of your partner and then taking action to fix the situation if possible and prevent that same hurt from happening again.
Let’s say we’re in a relationship. I made plans for my parents to visit from out of state and didn’t check with you first. You tell me you don’t like this, it makes you feel irrelevant and unimportant. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened, where my parents just tell us they are coming rather than ask if they can stay and if the timing is good for us. The rupture between you and me is that I did something that hurt you and left you feeling unloved and left out. You did a great job by telling me about it. I can’t fix something I don’t know is a problem. So that’s the first step: understanding.
I might be feeling torn between allegiance to you and to my parents. They are my parents! Of course they can stay at our house. I might assume you don’t like them or are trying to keep me away from my parents. I might see your point and feel embarrassed that I messed up. Or I might see your point and be terrified of standing up to my parents. That’s a lot going on internally, and I might say something like
“It’s not a big deal. Why are you so upset about this?”
“They’re my parents! Why don’t you love them?”
“Gee! Sorry. I guess I just can’t have my family over anymore.”
Any of these responses is dismissive of you, not taking responsibility for the impact of my actions, and not actually a repair.
A real repair acknowledges the pain or impact and attempts to fix the problem if possible and prevent it from happening again. I might say something like this:
“I can see your point. I can see how saying yes to my parents’ visit without talking to you about it made you feel unimportant and left out. I don’t want you to feel that way because I love you. And you do matter to me. I am sorry. Would you like me to call them back and tell them the dates don’t work for us?”
You might say yes or no to changing the plans. And the repair doesn’t end there. If I really understand you and actually care about you--not just saying words to appease you or make you feel better now--I will change my behavior in the future too. The next time my parents tell me they’re going to be in town and will be staying at our place, I need to say something to them like
“Okay. I’ve got the dates. Let me talk it over with my partner and see if that will work for us.”
Then I come to you and say
“My parents want to visit on xxxx dates. They did the thing again where they didn’t really ask, they just told me they were coming. I told them you and I needed to talk it over first and I would get back to them. What do you think?”
This is repair. I understood you and I’m taking real steps to not hurt you in the same way again. This is love in action. This allows you to trust me. As long as we are both working on repairs in this way, our relationship will grow stronger and stronger over time and we won’t have to hear conflict.
Taking a time-out is the best, underrated conflict management strategy
It is human nature for us to want to feel secure in our relationships, to know that we can count on the other person, that they love us and will be there for us. Throughout most of human history, being kicked out of our group was a literal death sentence. Humans survive and thrive in social communities. Conflict between ourselves and our loved ones threatens that sense of security. And our bodies react accordingly.
Our bodies don’t have separate threat responses for physical threat (a bear attack or a mugging) and relational threat (an argument). Our brains are constantly scanning our environment for threat, multiple times per second. When a threat is detected, the body prepares to respond. Heart rate increases, respiration changes, resources are sent to the limbs to prepare to fight, flee or otherwise neutralize the threat, and non-essential processes are slowed (digestion and cognitive processes like empathy and creative problem solving). All of this happens in mirco-seconds and outside of our conscious control.
Sometimes we perceive something as a threat and then quickly realize we were wrong. Our body is able to change course quickly and we can stay in the conversation. And at other times we get that rush of stress hormones--cortisol and adrenaline are released--our bodies are in full threat response, parts of our brains are shut down, and our whole focus is about returning to safety.
We might fight--the logic being if I can hurt you, you will stop hurting me.
We might flee--get away from the threat.
We can freeze or shut down--I can’t get away and if I stop fighting them, maybe they’ll stop fighting with me and that’s how I get safe.
Or we appease--giving you what you want or telling you what you want to hear is the quickest way back to safety.
It’s not hard to see how being in this threat state doesn’t bring out the best in us. We aren’t loving, generous, creative, or kind. We often can’t see our part in a relationship problem, we can’t do creative problem solving because our body is focused on neutralizing threat and getting back to safety.
The best thing we can do is take a time-out. We responsibly remove ourselves from the situation and allow our bodies to realize we are safe. We step away before we cause harm to our partner from our threatened state. It takes time (somewhere between 20 minutes and several hours) for our bodies to metabolize the stress hormones that were released. Then we can come back to our partner, remembering that we love this person, remembering that we are on the same team and have each other’s backs. From a place of calm, love, and connection we can be loving, generous, kind, and creative in solving our problems.
So many couples keep talking past the point of the threat response. They don’t want to let it go. They want to finish the conversation. They don’t want to be abandoned or their issues to be ignored. Sometimes they want to win. All of these are actually evidence of the threat response in action. And the best thing those couples can do for their relationship is to take a time-out.
Time-outs are so simple and so effective and so loving.
You can read more about how to effectively and lovingly take a time out in this article [LINK to other blog]
Happy couples maintain the ability to care about each other partner when things get hard
From my observations, the happiest couples are the ones who can maintain their ability to care about their partner when things get rough. This doesn’t mean they never fight or never hurt each other’s feelings or are perfectly empathic at all times. It simply means that they don’t get so lost in themselves that they lose sight of care for the other.
Let’s go back to the example about allowing my parents to visit without checking in with you. Let’s say you bring this concern to me and I get totally lost in all those complicated feelings I described before. I’m embarrassed, I’m scared, I’m angry. I can’t believe you would make me feel this way. I don’t know what else to do. I might fight by yelling at you or I might flee by shutting down and refusing to talk. And if I am so engrossed in my own experience that I can’t acknowledge that you are hurt and you matter to me, I’m only adding to your pain. Now you have the original hurt of feeling unimportant and left out AND the new hurt of being ignored, dismissed, or punished for bringing it up.
Here are some examples of what it might look like to care about you while I’m going through these complicated feelings:
“I can see this is an important topic. And I’m totally overwhelmed. I’m going to take a time-out. Let’s talk later when I can be fair to you and really listen.”
“I am really confused and angry about this situation. And I also hear that you were feeling left out and unimportant. Can we talk about it?”
In these examples I’m acknowledging my feelings and yours. I might even be upset AT you! And I care about you and communicate that. The same is true when it’s not a conflict between us but just a hard time of life. Maybe I get laid off from my job or I have an illness that makes it so I can’t contribute around the house like I usually do. Our relationship will be better if I can remember to care for you even while I’m going through it. I can be devastated by the job loss and care that this puts extra pressure on you to work more hours. I can be sick and thank you for picking up the slack around the house. People cause a lot of damage to their relationships when they forget to show care for their partner when life gets hard.
Sometimes ending the relationship is best for everyone and the kind thing to do
Saying that sometimes ending the relationship is best for everyone does not suggest that I am flippant about divorce or recommend it regularly. I have lived through three divorces in my immediate family; I am no stranger to the difficulty and pain of divorce. And I also believe that in some situations, the kindest thing we can do for one another is to part ways. We can thank each other for the good times, for the effort put in, and release us both to move toward a life that brings us more joy and less pain.
No two people are exactly compatible. Every relationship has some areas of ease and some areas where the partners have to really work to meet needs and bridge differences. And every relationship will have some hurts and disconnections.
I have seen people decide to get divorced when I thought their differences were completely bridge-able. And I have seen people who are very different fight valiantly to stay together and make it work. I’ve seen people break up over issues that are minor for others. And I’ve seen couples heal from deep betrayal. It is never for me, as the therapist, to tell a couple they should give up or should keep working. Only they get to make those decisions for their own lives. My work is to help couples see the path forward and explore all their options.
Sometimes people are just tired of the work it takes to bridge their particular differences. Sometimes there are just too many hurts. And sometimes people don’t want to be in their relationships any more and they don’t know how to say it, so they stay, having the same fights, rehashing the same old stories. When both parties are tired and miserable, they might decide to each other go. And while these breakups are always sad, they can also be kind, respectful, and even hopeful.
I no longer consider ending a relationship to be a failure of the relationship or a failure of couples therapy.
I will never forget a couple from early in my career who decided to divorce. This couple had been struggling for months to connect and communicate and our work was slow and arduous. One partner told the other they wanted divorce in my office. I saw them both relax and they talked for the next hour with more freedom and ease than I had seen in all the time I’d known them. They tried hard. And the decision to divorce was a release from hard work they no longer wanted to do.
If you are considering ending your relationship, consider Discernment Counseling [LINK]. This service is specifically designed to help couples decide whether to divorce, stay together and accept the status quo, or enter couples therapy to work on their relationship.
Love and forgiveness are miraculous gifts
Yes, I have seen heartbreaking decisions to end relationships. I’ve sat with people in deep pain, in some of the worst moments of their lives. And I have also been witness to deeply moving shows of love and forgiveness.
I have seen couples recover from infidelity, saying they never imagined they could be as close as they are now and that it would be an affair that woke them up and changed them. I’ve seen partners soften years of entrenched negativity and build kinder, gentler, more loving relationships.
Just as it’s human nature to want someone else to change or to not be our best when under threat, I believe it is also in our nature to love, nurture, and forgive. The work of the therapist is to clear away the obstacles in the way of your love and then to sit back and let the natural process of love and forgiveness take place. We don’t teach you how to love like it’s a new language, we help you take away the things that are blocking love. You already know how.
Author Bio:
Rebecca Williams, LMFT, is a committed licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Riverside, CA, with a Master’s degree from Loma Linda University. She helps individuals and couples heal emotional wounds, strengthen relationships, and build lasting, fulfilling connections.
Rebecca has advanced training in addiction treatment, family therapy with teens, and multiple evidence-based couples therapy approaches. She has also spoken on topics including faith transitions, the coming-out process, wellness, and leadership. Committed to lifelong learning, she continually expands her expertise to provide the highest quality care for her clients.
Drawing from both her professional experience and her love of hiking and backpacking, Rebecca understands that meaningful change requires courage, persistence, and support. She partners with clients as a compassionate guide, helping them navigate challenges, repair relationships, and reach their personal and relational goals.
