How do I know if my partner has a drug or alcohol problem? A couples therapist in Riverside CA answers
You think your partner has a problem with how much they drink (or smoke or use their Rx drugs or street drugs). They insist they are fine. They say they could stop whenever they wanted, that you’re overreacting. Or maybe they’ve said they’re going to stop and then they don’t. And you find out later the drinking has continued and they’re just hiding it from you.
Your partner becomes someone else when they’re drinking. They say hurtful things and the next day have no memory of the awful things they said to you and wonder why you’re hurt and stand-offish. You can’t ever seem to talk about real issues in your relationship or family because they are always drinking. So you bring up the conversations anyway, and they don’t go well because your partner is drinking.
But you know this level of use isn’t normal. At least you think you know. Your partner denies there is a problem, says it’s all in your head or that you’re making a big deal out of nothing. And then you start to doubt yourself. Is this normal? Are you making a big deal out of nothing?
I’m here to help you answer those questions.
You’re not crazy for wanting help from a couples therapist in Riverside CA for the problems drugs or alcohol are causing in your relationship
Before we get into any of the specifics of determining whether your partner has a drinking problem, I want you to know that you’re not crazy for wanting help from a couples therapist in Riverside CA. I have been working with couples for 15 years. And I know that problems around one person’s drinking or substance use are pretty common and that these issues can cause real damage to relationships.
When one or both members a couple are drinking too much it can lead to:
Increased arguments
Lack of intimacy
Decreased trust
Physical violence
Financial problems
Parenting issues
And many other issues. At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we help couples with these types of problems every day. When a couple is facing multiple things from the list above plus a question about whether alcohol (or other substance use) is causing those problems, things can get complicated quickly. It can be hard to tell if the drinking is causing the problems, if the drinking is a way to cope with the problems, or if they are each making the other worse. Working with a couples therapist in Riverside CA who both specializes in couples and understands substance use can help you get the bottom of what’s causing the problems in your relationship and how to get out of it.
So how do we know if someone has a drug or alcohol problem?
Let’s start with a few questionnaires to help us! These are research-backed questionnaires to help assess whether someone has problematic substance use.
CAGE-AID (CAGE Questions Adapted to Include Drugs)
1. Have you ever felt you ought to cut down on your drinking or drug use?
2. Have people annoyed you by criticizing your drinking or drug use?
3. Have you felt bad or guilty about your drinking or drug use?
4. Have you ever had a drink or used drugs first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover?
If a person answers “yes” to two or more of these questions, they might have a substance use problem and should get assessed by a professional.
DAST (Drug Abuse Screening Test)
1. Have you used drugs other than those required for medical reasons?
2. Do you abuse more than one drug at a time?
3. Are you unable to stop using drugs when you want to?
4. Have you ever had blackouts or flashbacks as a result of drug use?
5. Do you ever feel bad or guilty about your drug use?
6. Does your spouse (or parents) ever complain about your involvement with drugs?
7. Have you neglected your family because of your use of drugs?
8. Have you engaged in illegal activities in order to obtain drugs?
9. Have you ever experienced withdrawal symptoms (felt sick) when you stopped taking drugs?
10. Have you had medical problems as a result of your drug use (e.g. memory loss, hepatitis, convulsions, bleeding)?
Give 1 point for each “yes” answer, except question 3. On question 3 a “no” answer gets 1 point. If a person scores higher than a 3, they might have a drug problem and should be evaluated. If a person scores higher than a 6, they definitely should be evaluated by a professional.
And then we can also look at the official diagnostic criteria for addictions.
DSM-5’s 11 Criteria for Addiction
According to DSM-5, a substance use disorder (SUD) involves patterns of symptoms caused by using a substance that an individual continues taking despite its negative effects. Based on decades of research, DSM-5 points out 11 criteria that can arise from substance misuse. These criteria fall under four basic categories — impaired control, physical dependence, social problems and risky use:
Using more of a substance than intended or using it for longer than you’re meant to.
Trying to cut down or stop using the substance but being unable to.
Experiencing intense cravings or urges to use the substance.
Needing more of the substance to get the desired effect — also called tolerance.
Developing withdrawal symptoms when not using the substance.
Spending more time getting and using drugs and recovering from substance use.
Neglecting responsibilities at home, work or school because of substance use.
Continuing to use even when it causes relationship problems.
Giving up important or desirable social and recreational activities due to substance use.
Using substances in risky settings that put you in danger.
Continuing to use despite the substance causing problems to your physical and mental health.
One symptom could indicate an individual is at risk.
Two or three criteria point to a mild substance use disorder.
Four or five symptoms show someone has a moderate substance use disorder.
Six or more criteria indicate a severe substance use disorder, which signals an addiction to that substance.
Can couples therapy in Riverside CA help when there’s a drug or alcohol problem?
Yes! And it really matters that you work with someone who understands addiction and problem drinking. If your couples therapist in Riverside CA doesn’t know how to screen for or address problem drinking, you might be spinning your wheels in couples therapy. You can spend much more time and money on sessions if you’re trying to fix the relationship problems without addressing the substance use issue.
Some addictions counselors will say you should focus on your drinking first and get to the relationship later. But how are you supposed to do that when the problems in your relationship are so intricately entwined with why you drink in the first place?
In some situations, the severity of the drinking or substance use really does need to be addressed first. We might be dealing with a life-or-death situation and need to get someone stable before we can work on the relationship. Or if someone is in recovery and is completely sober, we want to make sure that the work we do on your relationship doesn’t become a trigger for relapse, setting you back further.
At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we have couples therapists in Riverside CA who know how to do both! We have experience working in substance use treatment AND are trained couples therapists. If you think you or your partner might have a drug or alcohol problem, please set up a free phone consultation to see whether we are the right people for untangling the complicated mess of relationship problems and drinking. We want to help you get back to the loving, supportive, kind, and fun relationship you once had!
Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, online couples counseling in California, and couples retreats in California
At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. For a deeper experience focused on rejuvenation and reconnection, consider booking one of our couples retreats in California. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.
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